Thanks for sharing this article. I read it carefully, and I appreciate how honest and reflective it is especially the parts about your parents and the way marriage can make people complacent about time and choice.
I just wanted to offer a different perspective, not to argue but to add to the conversation.
I'm a man, and I think there's something the article touches on only indirectly: marriage isn't just about love or romance. Historically, and still today, it's also about protection especially for women. A woman invests her body, her fertility windows, often her career momentum, and sometimes her health in a relationship. A man, no matter how well-intentioned, doesn't make that same biological or social investment. Marriage creates legal and emotional accountability that balances that.
The article says marriage makes people feel they have 'infinite time' and stop choosing each other daily. That can happen, I agree. But I'd argue that's a failure of the people, not the institution. A good marriage doesn't remove the need to choose each other every day—it actually requires it, but with the added security that neither party gets left with nothing if things fall apart.
And the article asks: 'Should he be free to leave?' My honest answer is not after she's given her best years, her body, and possibly her independence to raise children. That's not freedom. That's abandonment. Marriage is the insurance on her investment.
I'm not saying everyone needs to marry. But for many women, especially if they want children, staying unmarried for 13 years is a real risk. Men age more slowly in the dating market. Women don't. That's just a fact.
So I respect the article's vision of a love that's chosen daily. That's beautiful. I just think marriage doesn't have to kill that and for many, it's the only thing that makes that choice truly safe to make.
Hey Nabeel! I always appreciate your different perspectives ;)
Ooof this was such a well-written comment, and I don't think I'll be able to reciprocate in the handful of minutes I have here lol, but, I actually agree with you that marriage doesn't have to "erase" choosing each other every day. But I think I'm just coming at this from a psychological standpoint. When you make a legal commitment to something (in this case, another person) that lasts 60-70 years (or what have you), how does that start to change your viewpoint on time? Especially on your viewpoint on time with that legal commitment you just made? Does it make you relax, because there's a legal framework that's holding it in place, even if you're not putting in as much work as you did before to hold it up yourself? I'd argue that it does. I'm not saying that it SHOULD, but that it's a likely possibility. And again, I'm not saying that all marriages do this. But autopilot happens, responsibilities and work happens, and sometimes thinks become less of a priority--especially if you feel like something else (ie, a legal framework) can help take some of that burden off of you.
About that point that marriage is insurance on a woman's investment. I'm really fortunate to be living in a time and age where there's so much less religious, economic, and cultural pressure to be married. But I know it's different in different areas of the world. At least for me, I'm lucky to be having that choice.
But I agree that things are not "equal," even for women in a similar situation as me. It's all perspective, though, I suppose. I look at my partner and I know that he would do right by me, by any children we choose to have, and any possessions we share... not just because he loves me, but because he is a good, good person. A really good person. And I hope that he would think the same of me. I know that some people say that you never know what could happen down the road--how feelings could change, how relationships could become acrimonious and fall apart into emotional warfare. But I suppose, again...for me... I'm not thinking the insurance of marriage will prevent that from happening. I'm thinking that I, and my partner, will prevent that from happening. That WE will ensure our relationship doesn't deteriorate so badly that it gets to that point.
Anyway. This is the second time we've had long post-like comments in the comment section sometimes hah. Thanks for your take Nabeel. I do like having these respectful conversations of different perspectives <3
Appreciate the thoughtful reply! Just to clarify my original comment wasn't aimed at you or your partner personally. I don't doubt that you've found someone genuinely good, and I genuinely hope that holds forever. But my point was about the general population, not the lucky ones. For every person who trusts character and it doesn’t works out, how many stories are floating around on Substack, social media, or just whispered among friends about trusting character and getting burned? Plenty. That's all I was saying that for most people, "he's a good person" isn't a reliable safety net. Marriage, flawed as it is, at least offers a legal one. But I do respect your perspective and appreciate the back-and-forth.
Sorry for the essay in a comment disguise. will keep it short! God Bless!
I mean, I feel like we are discovering interesting points! Lol. What is a relationship without trust? How much can you fully know a person? How much more important is finding a romantic partner that has goodness, rather than good chemistry? And how can you judge that accurately?
I feel like the questions can go on and on lol. But it's interesting to think about. I feel like we would've been the talkers at a college class 😂
Agreed Reeze would have made into classroom debate but that not the point because neither is wrong here, just two different aspects. Fair enough. You looked through an emotional lens, I looked through an economic one. Both valid. I'm not trying to win a debate just adding a perspective. And on that note, I am out. 😄
Agreed. And by the way I don't see debate as needing to establish a "winning" side, either. I was just saying thay your points were really interesting and making me think more 👍
omg this. i've been married for fourteen years (no kids, tho) to my college sweetheart. this is the exact thing i was gonna write.
you absolutely nailed it when you said, "'Should he be free to leave?' My honest answer is not after she's given her best years, her body, and possibly her independence to raise children. That's not freedom. That's abandonment. Marriage is the insurance on her investment." THAT part.
You articulated this so well! I never dreamt of marriage and my husband was more keen on it than me. Truthfully, I was scared of commitment. But when I explored the reasons to get married as a woman, it actually makes a lot of sense - especially if you have a kid. Discounting the romantic angle for a moment, it's an insurance on your investment. Sure, we could both leave and the relationship could end regardless of marriage, but it means I won't be left with nothing if that happens. And you're right - even without kids, women lose more social capital in society as they age. Marriage helps soften the blow if things go wrong in later years.
My husband openly says that marriage benefits me more than him, but that it's a fair trade all things considered, and I think he's right. I was actually explaining this to a friend who's really into feminism and is sceptical of marriage, and she'd never thought of it that way. She was only thinking of the emotional concept of marriage rather than the practical and legal protections it provides, which are very real.
This is such a grounded take. Love that you and your husband can be honest about the tradeoffs. And I'm genuinely touched this resonated enough to shift a friend's perspective too. Thank you for sharing.
What an interesting POV on marriage! Your article really made me think hard about my view on marriage and my relationship and how I approach it. So thank you for the prompt!
My partner and I have been together for seven years, engaged for three of them, and we still don't have a wedding date. For context, we're both nearing our mid-thirties, and we've recently started talking seriously about starting a family soon. Which means, if we're lucky, a baby might very well arrive before the wedding does.
For us, for me, especially, we don't perceive marriage as something that comes with guarantee or extension of timeframe on our relationship. Nothing in life is guaranteed. But I think, when you've spent years building a life with someone, a certain comfort settles in. You fall into routines, you lean on each other, you become woven into each other's everyday life. This happens regardless if you're married or not. And yes, that comfort means you're no longer performing the way you did in those early, electric days of dating, constantly trying to impress, to dazzle, to keep the other person's attention. But I don't think that's a loss. I think that's depth.
With the right person, romance doesn't disappear as the relationship matures or once you get married, it just changes shape. It looks less glamorous, less obvious and becomes more personalised and perhaps quieter. Mainstream narratives rarely capture that, but it's no less real.
What we have is a choice we make every single day. We choose each other in the way we speak to one another, in the way we show up, in the way we treat each other everyday and especially when life is hard. When we argue, we don't ignore each other, we don’t sweep it under the carpet hoping it would disappear on its own. We sit with the discomfort, we listen, we try to genuinely understand, and we always come back to each other with good intentions. It has never been about winning, putting the other person down or about being right or about outsmarting the other person. At the end of the day, neither of us can stand the thought of the other being sad or hurt by something we said or did. So we work it out, as soon as we can and all of this is not going to change once we're married.
We want to get married, not because we think a ceremony will change what we already have, but because it’s the most romantic thing you can do for one another, declaring and cementing your love for each other. And have a wedding because we want to celebrate our love, celebrate each other, and spread “love” and share it with our family and friends.
Aww I agree with a lot of what you said. And just in case (though I could be reading this wrong, sorry if so, I slept only a few hours last night), I hope you know that I’m not against marriage in general! ;)
Totally agree that long-term relationships, whether with a wedding or without, get “less glamorous” and “quieter” and that it’s “no less real.”
And that’s great that you’ve built a solid foundation with your partner and that you’re excited to get married. Sounds like happy times ahead <3
totally get what you're saying. a marriage is a sacred bond between two people, and less than perfect is unacceptable. but how can one have a perfect union when we're such imperfect beings?? maybe for some people this doesn't make sense. but for us who take things a tiny bit literal is like saying something so obvious. really liked the point of view, is fresh and different, but super relatable. great read Reeze <3
and btw, marry or don't marry. the point is to be happy!
"I want to commit to you right now–and in all the right nows that come right after. I won’t choose you once but a million times and a million times more over." Ummm that's giving vow vibes Reeze!!
It's so hard when the modelling hasn't been there of what true marriage looks like. I've been around good and bad marriages and have been divorced before. I was way too young and while the same as you, I never had images or dreams to becomes someone's wife or be legally defined, when it shouldn't be.
All that aside, love between you and your partner is yours. Only yours. And what that looks like need not concern anyone. That's what keeps it pure and unshakeable. Love this, and love to you both 🫂
Marriage used to be a big life goal of mine. A tick box if you were. I married when I was 29. A big wedding, pretty dress, then “together forever”. A fairy tale. Then I got divorced.
I divorced at the age of 37 and I’m 45 now. I’ve been in a relationship for 5 years and I’ve no interest in getting married again. What’s important to me now is the smaller things. Spending time together, talking, connecting. No big gestures, rings, none of that. Legally, he’s moving into my house soon and paying me rent (he’s happy to fyi). No contract, no legal binds. Risky? Maybe, but at this time I’m not ready for the red tape, and that’s ok.
I love how you highlight that the small things are more important to you now than the supposed fairy tale of a marriage. Marriages, like any relationship, require so much work. But there is a perception sometimes that marriage is a fairy tale, as you say--almost like marriage itself does all the work.
I'm glad you're finding a way in your relationship that works better for you now!
YES to all of this WOW - I have never heard someone articulate how I feel about marriage so candidly and accurately. I thought truly I was the only one...
I did get married this past year, maybe to stop the questions, maybe because it meant a lot to my partner at the time that he asked. But we had been together 9+ years and I had no timeline or need. Never thought I would be married.
I still see our relationship now the same way as I did then too, that we are in it together in this moment, the future is no guarantee.
I loved reading this so much! So much of what you wrote feels so deeply relatable. I also never saw a marriage that actually made me feel like, "Wow, that's what I want as well." What you describe, the bickering, people living under one roof with someone they respect but not necessarily love, the absolute drop in commitment, attention, affection, and choosing one another, it's like, "I invested in you once, that should be enough for the rest of our lives."
I know that uneasy feeling of, what if getting married actually destroys something? There are so many ever-present stereotypes. I remember jokes like, "What's the one food that you can give your woman that will make her never wanna have sex with you again? Wedding cake." And obviously millions and millions of jokes about all the bickering. Even before you're married and when you're happy and in love, people tell you, "Just wait until you're married," as if all of that is going to be over then.
And I actually did get married. We were in our twenties, I was from Germany, he was American, and we decided to get married kind of on a whim after dating a few months because the back and forth was just exhausting and it always felt more like vacation when we were together. We couldn't really take the normal steps and see what real life would look like together, so we decided we're just going to go all in and either it'll work out or it won't, but at least we'll know. Marriage kind of was our only option to do so.
And honestly, we were young and stupid, and we're divorced now, but I absolutely don't regret doing it. We separated on really good terms, and it was such an important experience for both of us. But even though getting married wasn't the reason things didn't work out, I was still baffled by how much of the stereotypes became true, even though I was so clear internally when people said these things, "That might be you, but that's not going to be me." (I can relate so much to what you wrote about your mom, the more someone tells you to look left, the more you're going to look right.)
Anywho, for me as well, it has never been about weddings, dresses, or flowers. I've always wanted connection, being present with each other, living love daily, not just on one pretty event. So this article resonated so deeply with me. You put this into words so perfectly. I could highlight so many sentences that I loved!
I somehow managed to pick two, but there were so many more:
"As if a legally binding certificate would become our 'reason to stay' when it should be our love that's our reason to stay."
and
"Marriage makes you think you choose once, but you don’t. You have to keep choosing the person that's standing right in front of you."
And what you wrote about marriage just not being romantic enough really made me jump out of my seat like, "Yes, that's it!" It might sound strange to many ears because getting married is often framed as the ultimate gesture of romance, but this is exactly what I was feeling, and you put it into such perfect words. It really isn't romantic if love, intimacy, and connection can't breathe and flourish inside that arrangement.
And I'd choose someone being present with me, choosing me, showing affection, and actually loving me on a daily basis a million times over that pretty one-time event. I'm not saying I'd never get married again, but like you said, I would only if I knew the relationship wouldn't suffer from it or become less, if I was sure it wouldn't mean losing the thing I actually love and cherish.
Thank you so much for writing this, for putting words to a feeling I've had for quite some time.
Thank you so, so much for reading my article with such feeling and attention. I read your comment the same way, because I was saying "yes, yes!"and nodding along to your words, too, lol.
Never heard the sexist wedding cake joke (ewww) but there's so many of them out there! Actually your comment is making me think/realize that yes, there's a strange dichotomy in people's thinking about marriage, isn't there? Some people view it as the most romantic thing in the world (the wedding and/or the marriage) and others have those jokes where marriage is the least sexy, least romantic, most draining thing ever. How strange and interesting.
I love how you frame your experience with your first marriage as a learning experience that you wouldn't take back 🧡. And I feel so, so seen by your comment in general, I love how we seem so in sync about this. Love the line, too, about how you'd want the connection and intimacy to "breathe and flourish in the arrangement" of marriage.
Reeze. This is such an honest piece, & I think your reasoning makes complete sense given what marriage actually looked like around you growing up. I don't think you're wrong about any of it.
I'm not married either, & the checkpoint thing you're describing is basically how my partner & I operate too; we check in every couple of years & genuinely ask: is this still what we want? are we still what we want? So I don't think the daily-choosing argument needs marriage to be true. You've already proven that.
Where I landed slightly differently: the time argument is one I'd flip a bit. Choosing something that expensive, that exhausting, that demanding, could also be its own kind of proof; not because the paper guarantees anything, divorce exists, people still walk. But because you did the harder, costlier thing anyway, with no extra material reason to.
Not disagreeing, just turning it over from a pretty similar place to yours. Thank you for writing something this honest. ♡
Absolutely loved reading this Reeze - what a beautiful one to come back to! The choosing your partner every single day is beautiful and very romantic. I am married but choose my husband every day - I agree with you that marriage isn’t romantic enough, we show our love every day in the little things (just today he left me a little note as he was going to London for the day, just to say “I already miss you, can’t wait to be home”) We just had a small wedding with friends and family, but we celebrate our anniversary on the day we met, not when we married - that was the day we decided to commit to each other in the present every day, not our wedding day 🤍
I love this!! I mean, I know some marriages can be romantic and more than enough--it sounds like yours is!! I just didn't see that growing up, so I started to question if marriage was really "the answer" like so many had told me... In the end, I'm glad that my partner and I found what worked for us <3. I'm glad you're back Lucy, thanks for reading!
Oh 100%, my parents exactly the same so I had that same view! Your writing is so profound, was speaking about your piece to my husband last night 🤍 I’m so glad it works for you and your partner also! My pleasure
I really enjoyed this piece - flipping the script on traditional societal expectations and challenging the idea that marriage has to be the natural next step in a long-term relationship – and deciding not to is a conscious choice rather than a lack of commitment.
I appreciate never seeing a marriage you want to emulate. I can go one further – I’ve never seen a relationshp I’d want to emulate... But seeing long marriages without much romance, along with divorce and conflict, would naturally make you question whether marriage actually protects a relationship.
And your point that marriage can make people feel like they have unlimited time rstood out to me.
I thought it was a great piece a strong argument that real commitment is about effort, presence, and repeatedly choosing the person you love not just making one formal promise.
Thank you I appreciate this! I think you nailed it, when I hadn't quite gotten around to saying it myself: that a lot of people kept telling me marriage was the natural next step, that it solidified the relationship even. I never heard anyone say to NOT get married, even though all the marriages around me didn't seem ideal. So naturally I decided to question the status quo 😂. And I'm glad that my partner and I found what works for us 😊. Thanks for the comment!
What resonated with me is the distinction between wanting a wedding, wanting a marriage, and wanting a particular kind of partnership. They’re often treated as the same thing, but they’re not.
I also found myself thinking about how much of our understanding of relationships comes from observation long before it comes from experience. We inherit expectations before we ever choose them.
A fascinating reflection that asks more questions than it answers—in the best possible way.
I absolutely love this perspective! I relate so much to never having seen a marriage that convinced me that I’d want to be married. However I am married now and this has made me look at my marriage in a new light, in the sense that I realize one of the reasons mine works is because we both don’t act like we have all the time. Maybe it’s partially because I lost my father and I learned quickly to not take time for granted, and I think over the years my husband and I have grown into that ideal. But this makes sense to me because we don’t leave anything for later because we have a lifetime left, for us a lifetime feels barely enough. It’s funny because a post about marriage not being romantic enough has somehow made me find even more romance in mine!
And I’m not trying to be an advocate for marriage btw xD I think your choice is so valid, even if I hadn’t read this and understood the why behind it. And I just love love this perspective cause it’s so fresh and different and original. I wish you both the best, hope you keep choosing each other forever ♥️
My condolences about your father, Amaya <3. But I can see how that's made you and your husband really appreciate how precious time is, and how that's deepened your marriage! Yes, just take my post with a grain of salt ;). There's definitely good marriages out there, I just didn't see any ideal ones growing up and the rebel in me kept digging my feet in when people kept touting marriage as "the answer." And I was like, well--what if there are downsides to marriage that no one talks about? No that every marriage has that, but it just got me thinking...and voila, that's where my partner and I are now, and we've found a way that works for us haha.
This is an excellent examination on what marriage means today. I'm not convinced marriage is as relevant as it once was. In fact, I am yet to identify one compelling reason for it. Married people are often the ones who struggle most to provide plausible reasons. Aside from pro-creating and providing a stable family unit for children, it appears illogical to legally entangle yourself with someone for the sake of it.
Fo so long, marriage and children kept women trapped and in poverty, acknowledging concurrently the financial stability and security it may have simultaneously offered at a time where women were unable to participate in the workforce freely like they are now.
To me, it presents like a prison. My instinct warns aganist it. I don't get all the other women who are obsessed with marriage.
Maybe I haven't met a person who feels safe enough to marry.
Thanks for sharing this article. I read it carefully, and I appreciate how honest and reflective it is especially the parts about your parents and the way marriage can make people complacent about time and choice.
I just wanted to offer a different perspective, not to argue but to add to the conversation.
I'm a man, and I think there's something the article touches on only indirectly: marriage isn't just about love or romance. Historically, and still today, it's also about protection especially for women. A woman invests her body, her fertility windows, often her career momentum, and sometimes her health in a relationship. A man, no matter how well-intentioned, doesn't make that same biological or social investment. Marriage creates legal and emotional accountability that balances that.
The article says marriage makes people feel they have 'infinite time' and stop choosing each other daily. That can happen, I agree. But I'd argue that's a failure of the people, not the institution. A good marriage doesn't remove the need to choose each other every day—it actually requires it, but with the added security that neither party gets left with nothing if things fall apart.
And the article asks: 'Should he be free to leave?' My honest answer is not after she's given her best years, her body, and possibly her independence to raise children. That's not freedom. That's abandonment. Marriage is the insurance on her investment.
I'm not saying everyone needs to marry. But for many women, especially if they want children, staying unmarried for 13 years is a real risk. Men age more slowly in the dating market. Women don't. That's just a fact.
So I respect the article's vision of a love that's chosen daily. That's beautiful. I just think marriage doesn't have to kill that and for many, it's the only thing that makes that choice truly safe to make.
Hey Nabeel! I always appreciate your different perspectives ;)
Ooof this was such a well-written comment, and I don't think I'll be able to reciprocate in the handful of minutes I have here lol, but, I actually agree with you that marriage doesn't have to "erase" choosing each other every day. But I think I'm just coming at this from a psychological standpoint. When you make a legal commitment to something (in this case, another person) that lasts 60-70 years (or what have you), how does that start to change your viewpoint on time? Especially on your viewpoint on time with that legal commitment you just made? Does it make you relax, because there's a legal framework that's holding it in place, even if you're not putting in as much work as you did before to hold it up yourself? I'd argue that it does. I'm not saying that it SHOULD, but that it's a likely possibility. And again, I'm not saying that all marriages do this. But autopilot happens, responsibilities and work happens, and sometimes thinks become less of a priority--especially if you feel like something else (ie, a legal framework) can help take some of that burden off of you.
About that point that marriage is insurance on a woman's investment. I'm really fortunate to be living in a time and age where there's so much less religious, economic, and cultural pressure to be married. But I know it's different in different areas of the world. At least for me, I'm lucky to be having that choice.
But I agree that things are not "equal," even for women in a similar situation as me. It's all perspective, though, I suppose. I look at my partner and I know that he would do right by me, by any children we choose to have, and any possessions we share... not just because he loves me, but because he is a good, good person. A really good person. And I hope that he would think the same of me. I know that some people say that you never know what could happen down the road--how feelings could change, how relationships could become acrimonious and fall apart into emotional warfare. But I suppose, again...for me... I'm not thinking the insurance of marriage will prevent that from happening. I'm thinking that I, and my partner, will prevent that from happening. That WE will ensure our relationship doesn't deteriorate so badly that it gets to that point.
Anyway. This is the second time we've had long post-like comments in the comment section sometimes hah. Thanks for your take Nabeel. I do like having these respectful conversations of different perspectives <3
Appreciate the thoughtful reply! Just to clarify my original comment wasn't aimed at you or your partner personally. I don't doubt that you've found someone genuinely good, and I genuinely hope that holds forever. But my point was about the general population, not the lucky ones. For every person who trusts character and it doesn’t works out, how many stories are floating around on Substack, social media, or just whispered among friends about trusting character and getting burned? Plenty. That's all I was saying that for most people, "he's a good person" isn't a reliable safety net. Marriage, flawed as it is, at least offers a legal one. But I do respect your perspective and appreciate the back-and-forth.
Sorry for the essay in a comment disguise. will keep it short! God Bless!
I mean, I feel like we are discovering interesting points! Lol. What is a relationship without trust? How much can you fully know a person? How much more important is finding a romantic partner that has goodness, rather than good chemistry? And how can you judge that accurately?
I feel like the questions can go on and on lol. But it's interesting to think about. I feel like we would've been the talkers at a college class 😂
Agreed Reeze would have made into classroom debate but that not the point because neither is wrong here, just two different aspects. Fair enough. You looked through an emotional lens, I looked through an economic one. Both valid. I'm not trying to win a debate just adding a perspective. And on that note, I am out. 😄
Agreed. And by the way I don't see debate as needing to establish a "winning" side, either. I was just saying thay your points were really interesting and making me think more 👍
thank you! reason i mentioned that was cause i did not want readers see a ‘vs’ its just two side of the same coin. both are real.
omg this. i've been married for fourteen years (no kids, tho) to my college sweetheart. this is the exact thing i was gonna write.
you absolutely nailed it when you said, "'Should he be free to leave?' My honest answer is not after she's given her best years, her body, and possibly her independence to raise children. That's not freedom. That's abandonment. Marriage is the insurance on her investment." THAT part.
thank you for reading it so closely and am glad I resonate with your voice but just my opinion.
you said it all, no notes 🤌🏾✨
You articulated this so well! I never dreamt of marriage and my husband was more keen on it than me. Truthfully, I was scared of commitment. But when I explored the reasons to get married as a woman, it actually makes a lot of sense - especially if you have a kid. Discounting the romantic angle for a moment, it's an insurance on your investment. Sure, we could both leave and the relationship could end regardless of marriage, but it means I won't be left with nothing if that happens. And you're right - even without kids, women lose more social capital in society as they age. Marriage helps soften the blow if things go wrong in later years.
My husband openly says that marriage benefits me more than him, but that it's a fair trade all things considered, and I think he's right. I was actually explaining this to a friend who's really into feminism and is sceptical of marriage, and she'd never thought of it that way. She was only thinking of the emotional concept of marriage rather than the practical and legal protections it provides, which are very real.
This is such a grounded take. Love that you and your husband can be honest about the tradeoffs. And I'm genuinely touched this resonated enough to shift a friend's perspective too. Thank you for sharing.
I really liked this comment, honestly.
What an interesting POV on marriage! Your article really made me think hard about my view on marriage and my relationship and how I approach it. So thank you for the prompt!
My partner and I have been together for seven years, engaged for three of them, and we still don't have a wedding date. For context, we're both nearing our mid-thirties, and we've recently started talking seriously about starting a family soon. Which means, if we're lucky, a baby might very well arrive before the wedding does.
For us, for me, especially, we don't perceive marriage as something that comes with guarantee or extension of timeframe on our relationship. Nothing in life is guaranteed. But I think, when you've spent years building a life with someone, a certain comfort settles in. You fall into routines, you lean on each other, you become woven into each other's everyday life. This happens regardless if you're married or not. And yes, that comfort means you're no longer performing the way you did in those early, electric days of dating, constantly trying to impress, to dazzle, to keep the other person's attention. But I don't think that's a loss. I think that's depth.
With the right person, romance doesn't disappear as the relationship matures or once you get married, it just changes shape. It looks less glamorous, less obvious and becomes more personalised and perhaps quieter. Mainstream narratives rarely capture that, but it's no less real.
What we have is a choice we make every single day. We choose each other in the way we speak to one another, in the way we show up, in the way we treat each other everyday and especially when life is hard. When we argue, we don't ignore each other, we don’t sweep it under the carpet hoping it would disappear on its own. We sit with the discomfort, we listen, we try to genuinely understand, and we always come back to each other with good intentions. It has never been about winning, putting the other person down or about being right or about outsmarting the other person. At the end of the day, neither of us can stand the thought of the other being sad or hurt by something we said or did. So we work it out, as soon as we can and all of this is not going to change once we're married.
We want to get married, not because we think a ceremony will change what we already have, but because it’s the most romantic thing you can do for one another, declaring and cementing your love for each other. And have a wedding because we want to celebrate our love, celebrate each other, and spread “love” and share it with our family and friends.
Aww I agree with a lot of what you said. And just in case (though I could be reading this wrong, sorry if so, I slept only a few hours last night), I hope you know that I’m not against marriage in general! ;)
Totally agree that long-term relationships, whether with a wedding or without, get “less glamorous” and “quieter” and that it’s “no less real.”
And that’s great that you’ve built a solid foundation with your partner and that you’re excited to get married. Sounds like happy times ahead <3
totally get what you're saying. a marriage is a sacred bond between two people, and less than perfect is unacceptable. but how can one have a perfect union when we're such imperfect beings?? maybe for some people this doesn't make sense. but for us who take things a tiny bit literal is like saying something so obvious. really liked the point of view, is fresh and different, but super relatable. great read Reeze <3
and btw, marry or don't marry. the point is to be happy!
Thank you! <3 Always appreciate you reading :D
"I want to commit to you right now–and in all the right nows that come right after. I won’t choose you once but a million times and a million times more over." Ummm that's giving vow vibes Reeze!!
It's so hard when the modelling hasn't been there of what true marriage looks like. I've been around good and bad marriages and have been divorced before. I was way too young and while the same as you, I never had images or dreams to becomes someone's wife or be legally defined, when it shouldn't be.
All that aside, love between you and your partner is yours. Only yours. And what that looks like need not concern anyone. That's what keeps it pure and unshakeable. Love this, and love to you both 🫂
Thanks Kelly! <3 This comment warmed my heart :)
Marriage used to be a big life goal of mine. A tick box if you were. I married when I was 29. A big wedding, pretty dress, then “together forever”. A fairy tale. Then I got divorced.
I divorced at the age of 37 and I’m 45 now. I’ve been in a relationship for 5 years and I’ve no interest in getting married again. What’s important to me now is the smaller things. Spending time together, talking, connecting. No big gestures, rings, none of that. Legally, he’s moving into my house soon and paying me rent (he’s happy to fyi). No contract, no legal binds. Risky? Maybe, but at this time I’m not ready for the red tape, and that’s ok.
I love how you highlight that the small things are more important to you now than the supposed fairy tale of a marriage. Marriages, like any relationship, require so much work. But there is a perception sometimes that marriage is a fairy tale, as you say--almost like marriage itself does all the work.
I'm glad you're finding a way in your relationship that works better for you now!
YES to all of this WOW - I have never heard someone articulate how I feel about marriage so candidly and accurately. I thought truly I was the only one...
I did get married this past year, maybe to stop the questions, maybe because it meant a lot to my partner at the time that he asked. But we had been together 9+ years and I had no timeline or need. Never thought I would be married.
I still see our relationship now the same way as I did then too, that we are in it together in this moment, the future is no guarantee.
The future is never guaranteed--YES. And I suppose that's what marriage can accidentally do--make you take it for granted.
And same--I never felt the need! But I'm glad your relationshipsl and mindset has still stayed the same after marriage. 😊
Thanks for relating and resonating so much!
I loved reading this so much! So much of what you wrote feels so deeply relatable. I also never saw a marriage that actually made me feel like, "Wow, that's what I want as well." What you describe, the bickering, people living under one roof with someone they respect but not necessarily love, the absolute drop in commitment, attention, affection, and choosing one another, it's like, "I invested in you once, that should be enough for the rest of our lives."
I know that uneasy feeling of, what if getting married actually destroys something? There are so many ever-present stereotypes. I remember jokes like, "What's the one food that you can give your woman that will make her never wanna have sex with you again? Wedding cake." And obviously millions and millions of jokes about all the bickering. Even before you're married and when you're happy and in love, people tell you, "Just wait until you're married," as if all of that is going to be over then.
And I actually did get married. We were in our twenties, I was from Germany, he was American, and we decided to get married kind of on a whim after dating a few months because the back and forth was just exhausting and it always felt more like vacation when we were together. We couldn't really take the normal steps and see what real life would look like together, so we decided we're just going to go all in and either it'll work out or it won't, but at least we'll know. Marriage kind of was our only option to do so.
And honestly, we were young and stupid, and we're divorced now, but I absolutely don't regret doing it. We separated on really good terms, and it was such an important experience for both of us. But even though getting married wasn't the reason things didn't work out, I was still baffled by how much of the stereotypes became true, even though I was so clear internally when people said these things, "That might be you, but that's not going to be me." (I can relate so much to what you wrote about your mom, the more someone tells you to look left, the more you're going to look right.)
Anywho, for me as well, it has never been about weddings, dresses, or flowers. I've always wanted connection, being present with each other, living love daily, not just on one pretty event. So this article resonated so deeply with me. You put this into words so perfectly. I could highlight so many sentences that I loved!
I somehow managed to pick two, but there were so many more:
"As if a legally binding certificate would become our 'reason to stay' when it should be our love that's our reason to stay."
and
"Marriage makes you think you choose once, but you don’t. You have to keep choosing the person that's standing right in front of you."
And what you wrote about marriage just not being romantic enough really made me jump out of my seat like, "Yes, that's it!" It might sound strange to many ears because getting married is often framed as the ultimate gesture of romance, but this is exactly what I was feeling, and you put it into such perfect words. It really isn't romantic if love, intimacy, and connection can't breathe and flourish inside that arrangement.
And I'd choose someone being present with me, choosing me, showing affection, and actually loving me on a daily basis a million times over that pretty one-time event. I'm not saying I'd never get married again, but like you said, I would only if I knew the relationship wouldn't suffer from it or become less, if I was sure it wouldn't mean losing the thing I actually love and cherish.
Thank you so much for writing this, for putting words to a feeling I've had for quite some time.
Sending lots and lots of love,
Nea
Nea, this comment is everything!!!!
Thank you so, so much for reading my article with such feeling and attention. I read your comment the same way, because I was saying "yes, yes!"and nodding along to your words, too, lol.
Never heard the sexist wedding cake joke (ewww) but there's so many of them out there! Actually your comment is making me think/realize that yes, there's a strange dichotomy in people's thinking about marriage, isn't there? Some people view it as the most romantic thing in the world (the wedding and/or the marriage) and others have those jokes where marriage is the least sexy, least romantic, most draining thing ever. How strange and interesting.
I love how you frame your experience with your first marriage as a learning experience that you wouldn't take back 🧡. And I feel so, so seen by your comment in general, I love how we seem so in sync about this. Love the line, too, about how you'd want the connection and intimacy to "breathe and flourish in the arrangement" of marriage.
You've made my day, Nea, thank you!!
Reeze. This is such an honest piece, & I think your reasoning makes complete sense given what marriage actually looked like around you growing up. I don't think you're wrong about any of it.
I'm not married either, & the checkpoint thing you're describing is basically how my partner & I operate too; we check in every couple of years & genuinely ask: is this still what we want? are we still what we want? So I don't think the daily-choosing argument needs marriage to be true. You've already proven that.
Where I landed slightly differently: the time argument is one I'd flip a bit. Choosing something that expensive, that exhausting, that demanding, could also be its own kind of proof; not because the paper guarantees anything, divorce exists, people still walk. But because you did the harder, costlier thing anyway, with no extra material reason to.
Not disagreeing, just turning it over from a pretty similar place to yours. Thank you for writing something this honest. ♡
Awww thanks for reading and taking the time to leave a comment! 🧡
This is wonderfully written 👏
Thank you!
Absolutely loved reading this Reeze - what a beautiful one to come back to! The choosing your partner every single day is beautiful and very romantic. I am married but choose my husband every day - I agree with you that marriage isn’t romantic enough, we show our love every day in the little things (just today he left me a little note as he was going to London for the day, just to say “I already miss you, can’t wait to be home”) We just had a small wedding with friends and family, but we celebrate our anniversary on the day we met, not when we married - that was the day we decided to commit to each other in the present every day, not our wedding day 🤍
I love this!! I mean, I know some marriages can be romantic and more than enough--it sounds like yours is!! I just didn't see that growing up, so I started to question if marriage was really "the answer" like so many had told me... In the end, I'm glad that my partner and I found what worked for us <3. I'm glad you're back Lucy, thanks for reading!
Oh 100%, my parents exactly the same so I had that same view! Your writing is so profound, was speaking about your piece to my husband last night 🤍 I’m so glad it works for you and your partner also! My pleasure
This this this 💃🏼 beautifully put. Signed, another woman who thinks it’s more of an expression of love to choose every day 🙏🏽🤍
I really enjoyed this piece - flipping the script on traditional societal expectations and challenging the idea that marriage has to be the natural next step in a long-term relationship – and deciding not to is a conscious choice rather than a lack of commitment.
I appreciate never seeing a marriage you want to emulate. I can go one further – I’ve never seen a relationshp I’d want to emulate... But seeing long marriages without much romance, along with divorce and conflict, would naturally make you question whether marriage actually protects a relationship.
And your point that marriage can make people feel like they have unlimited time rstood out to me.
I thought it was a great piece a strong argument that real commitment is about effort, presence, and repeatedly choosing the person you love not just making one formal promise.
Thank you I appreciate this! I think you nailed it, when I hadn't quite gotten around to saying it myself: that a lot of people kept telling me marriage was the natural next step, that it solidified the relationship even. I never heard anyone say to NOT get married, even though all the marriages around me didn't seem ideal. So naturally I decided to question the status quo 😂. And I'm glad that my partner and I found what works for us 😊. Thanks for the comment!
Beautiful sentiment. Love the last paragraph especially and the line about time unfurling knots
Thank you 🧡
What resonated with me is the distinction between wanting a wedding, wanting a marriage, and wanting a particular kind of partnership. They’re often treated as the same thing, but they’re not.
I also found myself thinking about how much of our understanding of relationships comes from observation long before it comes from experience. We inherit expectations before we ever choose them.
A fascinating reflection that asks more questions than it answers—in the best possible way.
I absolutely love this perspective! I relate so much to never having seen a marriage that convinced me that I’d want to be married. However I am married now and this has made me look at my marriage in a new light, in the sense that I realize one of the reasons mine works is because we both don’t act like we have all the time. Maybe it’s partially because I lost my father and I learned quickly to not take time for granted, and I think over the years my husband and I have grown into that ideal. But this makes sense to me because we don’t leave anything for later because we have a lifetime left, for us a lifetime feels barely enough. It’s funny because a post about marriage not being romantic enough has somehow made me find even more romance in mine!
And I’m not trying to be an advocate for marriage btw xD I think your choice is so valid, even if I hadn’t read this and understood the why behind it. And I just love love this perspective cause it’s so fresh and different and original. I wish you both the best, hope you keep choosing each other forever ♥️
My condolences about your father, Amaya <3. But I can see how that's made you and your husband really appreciate how precious time is, and how that's deepened your marriage! Yes, just take my post with a grain of salt ;). There's definitely good marriages out there, I just didn't see any ideal ones growing up and the rebel in me kept digging my feet in when people kept touting marriage as "the answer." And I was like, well--what if there are downsides to marriage that no one talks about? No that every marriage has that, but it just got me thinking...and voila, that's where my partner and I are now, and we've found a way that works for us haha.
Thanks for the comment, I appreciate it <3
This is an excellent examination on what marriage means today. I'm not convinced marriage is as relevant as it once was. In fact, I am yet to identify one compelling reason for it. Married people are often the ones who struggle most to provide plausible reasons. Aside from pro-creating and providing a stable family unit for children, it appears illogical to legally entangle yourself with someone for the sake of it.
Fo so long, marriage and children kept women trapped and in poverty, acknowledging concurrently the financial stability and security it may have simultaneously offered at a time where women were unable to participate in the workforce freely like they are now.
To me, it presents like a prison. My instinct warns aganist it. I don't get all the other women who are obsessed with marriage.
Maybe I haven't met a person who feels safe enough to marry.
But who can really promise forever?